my new dog

i just found out that my dog has a bladder the size of jason raitz's. maybe smaller. she has gone pee literally 5 times in three hours! astounding, simply astounding.

24 is the best/worst show ever

did anyone see 24 last night? everyone died. it was really depressing. i am convinced an emo kid is writing for the show now

we just got a new puppy. she is so cute. but as you can see, there are no capitalizations in this post...she ate me shift key. now she is chewing on the fireplace?! she is real cute though. 

This is a long one

I'm Tired.

I already believe that I whine too much, and I know that there are so many
people out there who are worse off than me, so I never really put down my
thoughts about life the past three years. I put some thoughts down, and
some concepts that have been struggling with, but I haven't really written
about what all has happened. I wasn't going to, but some friends of mine
really urged me to start writing it down. This is the first of these
writings.

I was in Fowlerville the other day visiting my parents, so before we went to
see them we dropped by Elijah's gravesite. We brought flowers. Its been
almost a year now. We should be planning a first birthday party. Cake,
candles, presents, family, instead we are going to sit on the grass in front
of a cold stone with my son's name on it. I think we may burn a candle
though. The only thing in my mind is the phrase, "it's not supposed to be
this way."

Earlier at the flower shop, a well-intentioned man asked my wife what the
flowers were for, she shared the short version of the story. I don't think
that he was expecting to hear that. He tried to say something nice, "well
if I were to lose a child, I would choose to lose him at birth so that it is
easier. You know, there is not as much emotional attachment."

I know that so many people think of it this way too. "Well Elijah died
early, and you did not get to bond or become attached. It is easier than
losing him later in life. " I don't think that this is true. When you lose
someone that you have had in life for a while, you experience grief in a way
that tries to get used to the fact of this person not being there. You try
to understand how life will be different, and how you can go on without this
person that you have come to love.

I went through this twice with my son Isaac, when we were absolutely certain
that he was not going to make it through a couple of his seizures, thank God he did. With
Elijah, it is not the same grief. It is a different, yet equally painful
grief. It's hard to explain. I think it is summed up in the phrase, "its
not supposed to be this way." The grief that you experience is different.
You are not grieving memories you miss, as much as you are grieving memories
you will never have.

It is a different grief, but a very real one. It is not easier, just
different. Its like you are hiking through the woods. Something like this
happens, and it is like adding rocks to your backpack. You have to carry
all that you need, plus the weight of the rocks. The rocks are there
always. It makes every step you take that much more of an effort. It makes
every hill that much more steeper. It slows you down, makes you less
effective, less focused, disoriented, disorganized, depressed. Its not all
bad. Sometimes I don't realize the rocks are there, until the hill
steepens.

I have come to hate the Christian Cliche. Empty phrases that sound real
nice, but are not real tangible. I didn't realize how empty they were until
recently. "Just give it to Jesus." Yeah that sounds real great, nice,
religious even. But what does that mean? It sounds so instantaneous. If I
just give it to Jesus, then all is okay. It's not okay. It's not supposed
to be this way. Isaac should be playing with a little brother right now.

I'm not disillusioned with my faith, on the contrary, I think I finally get it. Jesus never said life would be easy. He said to take heart
because he has overcome this world, but while I am in this world, things
will continue to be the way they should not. It is my part to advance the
way things should be while I am here.

So what does it mean to just give it to Jesus? I don't know. Well, not in
the way that it is spoken of by some Christians who have never experienced
great grief. I know that I can take heart because Jesus is coming to make
things right. I know that I can take heart because God will not let me be
tested beyond what I can bear. But this is not something that you just hand
over to Jesus and all is okay. I don't think that he intentioned it to be.

This runs deep into the very soul of who I am. It affects everything I do
and say. It shapes how I see the world and my faith. It is deep. I don't
know how to put it other than my soul is wounded. But I think that is the
point. That is what it is supposed to do. You can't slap a cliche band-aid
on it and call it done. It doesn't go away. This needs to affect me. It
needs to affect me deeply. It needs to penetrate deep into my soul and
become a part of me. What if I am not supposed to get over it, as many
people would expect?

Why is grief something that we put a time limit on? What if grief is
supposed to stick deep into who we are? It sure does change your
perspective on things. I think a lot of people are living very topical
lives. They are producers and consumers. They let nothing get through the
outside layer we put up in defense of being hurt. As a consequence,
everything shallows.

They love a topical love that is based on feelings and brownie points.
Their friendships are based on agendas and the give and take, and keeping
track of who owes who how much. When they grieve, they grieve in a way that
cheapens the ones being grieved. We try to shield ourselves from pain, in
fear. Don't. When something like this happens, let it hit you. Don't try
to dodge it. Face it head on, and let it change you, let it affect you.
Let God wound you. When you grieve, grieve deep, from the very core of who
you are. Only then will you live. Unless you live life from the depths of
who you are, you are not living.

If you waste your life on the topical crap, you have wasted your life. If
you live for fleeting pleasures, the next high, pleasing people, gaining
money or possessions, attaining status or position, you lose. However if
you live from the core of who God created you to be, come good or bad, you
tap into a God given potential of greatness. Try it.

This is a really long blog I know. If you read it all, thanks for thinking
that my thoughts may be of value to you. I hope they are.

He's cute, and he does all his own stunts.