again, just too cute
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
who's gonna watch you die?
This has been a favorite song of mine for a while now. It's just so truthful. I like the definition of love that he gives.
And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That Ive already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
Cause theres no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone lift their heads
But Im thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So whos gonna watch you die?
What Sarah Said, Death Cab for Cutie
Love is watching someone die. Your true friends will show themselves in times like that. Love means sitting in a waiting room waiting for news. Love means being there when times are rough. Love means watching someone die if need be and being there in case needed.
I love the final question at the end. Who's gonna watch you die? Who loves you? Have you let anyone in? I am doing studies right now on serving others. One thing that I found was that if you are a self-centered person, it is impossible to have a genuine relationship with another. A genuine relationship is not based on who owes who what, but based on love and grace. Have you given to another out of shear love and grace, and not with what you will be getting out of the deal in mind?
If you have lived a life for only yourself, you limit yourself to relationships that are based on what they bring to the table. True friendship is one that does not care what you get out of it, but cares only how you can contribute to anothers life. If everyone was only worried about everyone but themselves, this world would be a heck of a better place. When you base a relationship on what you get out of it, it is not love, and without love, there is no genuine relationship.
I think so many marriages fail because they dont get it. At first when they get married, they base it on how this person makes ME feel, what this person has done for ME, and how happy this makes ME. But if that feeling fades, and the ME is not satisfies, they get unhappy. The focus is on self. That is not love. True love has nothing to do with ME, but YOU. Love is focused on YOU. ME is selfishness.
When you get married, your agenda does not matter anymore. Your relationship with your spouse should be one that says, how can I make this persons life better? If the both are doing that, you have this divine harmony that makes a marriage work. Same as when you have kids, but then neither of your agendas matter anymore, only the wellbeing of this gift of life given to you to nurture. That is why there are so many sucky parents out there. Being a parent is a side job to their life. It doesnt work that way.
Being a parent is who I am now, not something I do in my spare time. I do not matter anymore. My happiness is no longer my focus. It is merely a bonus now. In living with this mindset you may think that I have no happiness or fulfillment, but the opposite is true. Living for others is when you start really living. It is when fulfillment is genuine, because it is the only way to have a genuine relationship with another human soul, and that is what mankind has been in search of, genuine relationship.
Whos gonna watch you die? It depends on how you live. Live for others, and your worth is suddenly increased by great measures in God's eyes and in the eyes of others, and you make genuine relationships that bring fulfillment. Live for yourself and you limit the depth of relationship you can experience with another human soul, and you remain searching out why you are not fulfilled.
So... who's gonna watch you die?
And it came to me then that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That Ive already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
Cause theres no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone lift their heads
But Im thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So whos gonna watch you die?
What Sarah Said, Death Cab for Cutie
Love is watching someone die. Your true friends will show themselves in times like that. Love means sitting in a waiting room waiting for news. Love means being there when times are rough. Love means watching someone die if need be and being there in case needed.
I love the final question at the end. Who's gonna watch you die? Who loves you? Have you let anyone in? I am doing studies right now on serving others. One thing that I found was that if you are a self-centered person, it is impossible to have a genuine relationship with another. A genuine relationship is not based on who owes who what, but based on love and grace. Have you given to another out of shear love and grace, and not with what you will be getting out of the deal in mind?
If you have lived a life for only yourself, you limit yourself to relationships that are based on what they bring to the table. True friendship is one that does not care what you get out of it, but cares only how you can contribute to anothers life. If everyone was only worried about everyone but themselves, this world would be a heck of a better place. When you base a relationship on what you get out of it, it is not love, and without love, there is no genuine relationship.
I think so many marriages fail because they dont get it. At first when they get married, they base it on how this person makes ME feel, what this person has done for ME, and how happy this makes ME. But if that feeling fades, and the ME is not satisfies, they get unhappy. The focus is on self. That is not love. True love has nothing to do with ME, but YOU. Love is focused on YOU. ME is selfishness.
When you get married, your agenda does not matter anymore. Your relationship with your spouse should be one that says, how can I make this persons life better? If the both are doing that, you have this divine harmony that makes a marriage work. Same as when you have kids, but then neither of your agendas matter anymore, only the wellbeing of this gift of life given to you to nurture. That is why there are so many sucky parents out there. Being a parent is a side job to their life. It doesnt work that way.
Being a parent is who I am now, not something I do in my spare time. I do not matter anymore. My happiness is no longer my focus. It is merely a bonus now. In living with this mindset you may think that I have no happiness or fulfillment, but the opposite is true. Living for others is when you start really living. It is when fulfillment is genuine, because it is the only way to have a genuine relationship with another human soul, and that is what mankind has been in search of, genuine relationship.
Whos gonna watch you die? It depends on how you live. Live for others, and your worth is suddenly increased by great measures in God's eyes and in the eyes of others, and you make genuine relationships that bring fulfillment. Live for yourself and you limit the depth of relationship you can experience with another human soul, and you remain searching out why you are not fulfilled.
So... who's gonna watch you die?
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
what are the odds?
This week is the first anniversary of my son Elijahs passing. It is a week no different from any other so far. Tough. Speeding by. Full yet empty sometimes. Im not sure what to feel, or how to act. I have so many questions that lack any answers. Can we have any more kids? The doctors tell us that Isaacs medical condition and Elijahs medical condition are not related. But the chances of having a baby with Isaacs condition are so very rare. I have only found 44 other cases in the country to date. That is 44 total not 44 this year. For anencephaly, that is rare as well. To have these back to back with the odds that are there, and have them not be related would be a astounding. It is.
So the doctors are giving us statistics of having another with the same kind of problems, and the statistics say that we are more likely to have another child with one of these problems than the normal parent, but that probability is still low. Enter now the question of the century. If God has everything planned out for us (which I do believe) then why are we statistically more likely to have more birth problems. What should statistics have to do with anything? Statistics done by medical professionals are tough to explain away. We ARE more likely statistically to have more birth problems, but if everything is in Gods hands, where does the statistic play?
Do we consider it? Do we say in wisdom, we should not take on the responsibility of another death or special needs baby because it is so great a responsibility, and our best knowledge today says we are more likely to do so, or should we say in faith, We will take what God gives.? Where is the balance of faith and wisdom?
A proverb says, The fool barrels on without caution and with great confidence, but the wise are cautious and avoid danger. Maybe some Christians today would say that the fool has the greater faith because of his blind confidence. But God called him a fool.
Hebrews says faith is the substance if things hoped for and the evidence of things we cannot see. There is a difference here in this blindness I just dont know what it is yet. There is a certain element of blindness in faith, but when does faith turn into foolishness? The answer eludes me.
I have more questions than I do answers, but the answers I have are the ones that I need. I have faith in that much.
So the doctors are giving us statistics of having another with the same kind of problems, and the statistics say that we are more likely to have another child with one of these problems than the normal parent, but that probability is still low. Enter now the question of the century. If God has everything planned out for us (which I do believe) then why are we statistically more likely to have more birth problems. What should statistics have to do with anything? Statistics done by medical professionals are tough to explain away. We ARE more likely statistically to have more birth problems, but if everything is in Gods hands, where does the statistic play?
Do we consider it? Do we say in wisdom, we should not take on the responsibility of another death or special needs baby because it is so great a responsibility, and our best knowledge today says we are more likely to do so, or should we say in faith, We will take what God gives.? Where is the balance of faith and wisdom?
A proverb says, The fool barrels on without caution and with great confidence, but the wise are cautious and avoid danger. Maybe some Christians today would say that the fool has the greater faith because of his blind confidence. But God called him a fool.
Hebrews says faith is the substance if things hoped for and the evidence of things we cannot see. There is a difference here in this blindness I just dont know what it is yet. There is a certain element of blindness in faith, but when does faith turn into foolishness? The answer eludes me.
I have more questions than I do answers, but the answers I have are the ones that I need. I have faith in that much.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
isaac walks everywhere now. it is so great. we've been waiting two years to see it, and he's walking. he is not too steady, kinda looks like a drunken midget sailor, but he's getting better balance everyday and he's getting stronger everyday. currently his record is about 80 feet straight! he walked across the gym in our church, long ways.
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