my new dog

i just found out that my dog has a bladder the size of jason raitz's. maybe smaller. she has gone pee literally 5 times in three hours! astounding, simply astounding.

24 is the best/worst show ever

did anyone see 24 last night? everyone died. it was really depressing. i am convinced an emo kid is writing for the show now

we just got a new puppy. she is so cute. but as you can see, there are no capitalizations in this post...she ate me shift key. now she is chewing on the fireplace?! she is real cute though. 

This is a long one

I'm Tired.

I already believe that I whine too much, and I know that there are so many
people out there who are worse off than me, so I never really put down my
thoughts about life the past three years. I put some thoughts down, and
some concepts that have been struggling with, but I haven't really written
about what all has happened. I wasn't going to, but some friends of mine
really urged me to start writing it down. This is the first of these
writings.

I was in Fowlerville the other day visiting my parents, so before we went to
see them we dropped by Elijah's gravesite. We brought flowers. Its been
almost a year now. We should be planning a first birthday party. Cake,
candles, presents, family, instead we are going to sit on the grass in front
of a cold stone with my son's name on it. I think we may burn a candle
though. The only thing in my mind is the phrase, "it's not supposed to be
this way."

Earlier at the flower shop, a well-intentioned man asked my wife what the
flowers were for, she shared the short version of the story. I don't think
that he was expecting to hear that. He tried to say something nice, "well
if I were to lose a child, I would choose to lose him at birth so that it is
easier. You know, there is not as much emotional attachment."

I know that so many people think of it this way too. "Well Elijah died
early, and you did not get to bond or become attached. It is easier than
losing him later in life. " I don't think that this is true. When you lose
someone that you have had in life for a while, you experience grief in a way
that tries to get used to the fact of this person not being there. You try
to understand how life will be different, and how you can go on without this
person that you have come to love.

I went through this twice with my son Isaac, when we were absolutely certain
that he was not going to make it through a couple of his seizures, thank God he did. With
Elijah, it is not the same grief. It is a different, yet equally painful
grief. It's hard to explain. I think it is summed up in the phrase, "its
not supposed to be this way." The grief that you experience is different.
You are not grieving memories you miss, as much as you are grieving memories
you will never have.

It is a different grief, but a very real one. It is not easier, just
different. Its like you are hiking through the woods. Something like this
happens, and it is like adding rocks to your backpack. You have to carry
all that you need, plus the weight of the rocks. The rocks are there
always. It makes every step you take that much more of an effort. It makes
every hill that much more steeper. It slows you down, makes you less
effective, less focused, disoriented, disorganized, depressed. Its not all
bad. Sometimes I don't realize the rocks are there, until the hill
steepens.

I have come to hate the Christian Cliche. Empty phrases that sound real
nice, but are not real tangible. I didn't realize how empty they were until
recently. "Just give it to Jesus." Yeah that sounds real great, nice,
religious even. But what does that mean? It sounds so instantaneous. If I
just give it to Jesus, then all is okay. It's not okay. It's not supposed
to be this way. Isaac should be playing with a little brother right now.

I'm not disillusioned with my faith, on the contrary, I think I finally get it. Jesus never said life would be easy. He said to take heart
because he has overcome this world, but while I am in this world, things
will continue to be the way they should not. It is my part to advance the
way things should be while I am here.

So what does it mean to just give it to Jesus? I don't know. Well, not in
the way that it is spoken of by some Christians who have never experienced
great grief. I know that I can take heart because Jesus is coming to make
things right. I know that I can take heart because God will not let me be
tested beyond what I can bear. But this is not something that you just hand
over to Jesus and all is okay. I don't think that he intentioned it to be.

This runs deep into the very soul of who I am. It affects everything I do
and say. It shapes how I see the world and my faith. It is deep. I don't
know how to put it other than my soul is wounded. But I think that is the
point. That is what it is supposed to do. You can't slap a cliche band-aid
on it and call it done. It doesn't go away. This needs to affect me. It
needs to affect me deeply. It needs to penetrate deep into my soul and
become a part of me. What if I am not supposed to get over it, as many
people would expect?

Why is grief something that we put a time limit on? What if grief is
supposed to stick deep into who we are? It sure does change your
perspective on things. I think a lot of people are living very topical
lives. They are producers and consumers. They let nothing get through the
outside layer we put up in defense of being hurt. As a consequence,
everything shallows.

They love a topical love that is based on feelings and brownie points.
Their friendships are based on agendas and the give and take, and keeping
track of who owes who how much. When they grieve, they grieve in a way that
cheapens the ones being grieved. We try to shield ourselves from pain, in
fear. Don't. When something like this happens, let it hit you. Don't try
to dodge it. Face it head on, and let it change you, let it affect you.
Let God wound you. When you grieve, grieve deep, from the very core of who
you are. Only then will you live. Unless you live life from the depths of
who you are, you are not living.

If you waste your life on the topical crap, you have wasted your life. If
you live for fleeting pleasures, the next high, pleasing people, gaining
money or possessions, attaining status or position, you lose. However if
you live from the core of who God created you to be, come good or bad, you
tap into a God given potential of greatness. Try it.

This is a really long blog I know. If you read it all, thanks for thinking
that my thoughts may be of value to you. I hope they are.

He's cute, and he does all his own stunts. 

You ever get those e-mails that say that God will bless you, but only if you send this e-mail to 15 friends? I get em all the time. It really bugs me. Like God is a formula instead of a personality. It sounds like a Christian informercial sometimes. Like God is a Ginsu knife. Just send this e-mail to 3 people, just 3 people and we'll throw in an extra blessing for free!!! But call now! Sorry just a pet peve of mine. 

3 generations of us. this is scary. where did isaac get his cuteness from? after looking at this picture, i am convinced its from his momma. 

this one's just too cute not to post 

behold the cake 

c'mon, how much cuter can you get? Isaac just turned 2 this month, and I think he's happy 'bout that. He got this hick gas station from his uncle derekand aunt april. It makes me laugh. The car wash section has a brush with a face that says, with a deep southern drawl, "Ha, Ahm Soapin Saem, need a waowsh buddy?" translation, hi im soapin sam need a wash buddy. Then it has these two hick gas filler guys jud and gus. But what I don't get is that the air hose guy is named Peiar. Where does this french guy fit into the hick gas station? Not sure. I think this toy is promoting cultural awareness to the country folk. Its a conspiracy. Don't say anything. 

usually i hate lame church signs, but i made my own today. how you like it? 

bald is beautiful 

Jesus said that he would fill my needs,but my heart still bleeds

Have you ever been ocnfused as to what to pray for? I have been lately. not so much as how to pray, but what the content that I pray for be. My son has been struggling with seizures, some pretty severe. It is a scary thing to watch, and that is all you can do, watch, you can't fix it, you can't stop it, you have to get through it. So do I pray, "God please let Isaac be free of seizures?" What if it is not God's will for him to be free of seizures, do I have a right to pray for that? I am not sure. I have spent plenty of breathing asking god to not let it happen again, but then it does. Am I wasting my breath?

As I was on the way to the hospital for the latest episode, I was praying to God, "God I am not sure what to pray for here. Can I change your mind if you are set on doing something that I don't like?" Can I selfishly pray against the will and wisdom of an infinitely greater God? If not what do I pray for then? I am fully confident that I am in his hands and he knows best. But as Isaac lay on the table having a seizure, honestly, i have never been so nervous to be in God's hands. What if God deems it best to take him? He did last time with my son Elijah. Can I pray against that? Can I change God's mind?

Many people get mad at God when tragedy comes because they think it is his "job" to not let tragedy happen. But it is not. Jesus actually promises the opposite. In John 16:33 Jesus says, "here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. but take heart I have overcome the world." I am not one of those people who expect God to make life easy and keep me clear of tragedy. I know better because I have already experienced tragedy and sorrow. It comes with living here on earth.

Mother Theresa said something like, "I know God will give me no more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I can echo that one. I know that God is pure unadulterated love, and will give me no more than I can handle. So I pray for grace to get through what he puts in front of me. I pray for peace, that I can trust my life to one who is infinitely wise and loving. And I pray for faith, that I would have a greater understanding of the character of God.

I am not going to lie and sai that it is easy to hold onto these things. It is not. Isaac is a treasure to me. I want nothing more than to see him grow and flourish. I want him to be free of seizures, and God willing he will be one day. but God loves him far more than I ever could. I must trust this. I have to. My faith is not built upon a God that said this world would bring much trial and sorrow, but to take heart because he will make things as they should be one day. That is what my faith is built upon. It has held steady so far, and it has also taken quite a beating these past two and a half years. but it is still steady.

Lesson of the day: God is who he says he is, no matter what life does to us.

What are we doing?

I very good friend of mine was just recently attacked by a group of Christians. He held a game night for his Jr High ministry, playing the kind of games that Jr. High students love (just watch Nickelodeon). No one was forced to do anything they did not want to, they could just watch and laugh if they wanted to. (which is what I would do).

This radio host went on to say that this kind of church is the downfall of evangelicalism, and why the church is in shambles and blah blah blah. I have my own take on why the church is in shambles.

My pastor (Whom I love! he has been the pastor here for 47 years) gave a great annalogy the other week about Christians. He said that Donkeys (i laughed too, and illustration where donkeys are illustrations for christians, ha) in the wild are not very bright. when they get scared they get into a circle with their heads out, and the slightest noise will start one kicking in fear, well he kicks another donkey which will think that he is under attack from the enemy and start kicking also. After a while all the donkeys are dead in a pile and the wolves come in and feast without lifting a finger (or paw).

We christians get so prideful. Jesus gave us the truth, so we take the truth interpret it with our finite human brains and come up with a "we are right about everything" syndrome. In doing this, any view that is different than our own is looked upon as wrong, because we have the truth. Then we end up kicking each other to death in an attempt to attack the enemy.

I'm not sure that Satan has been very busy latley, we've been doing alot of his work for him. Spreading division, tearing eachother down, attacking those trying to further the kingdom, spreading pridefulness. Maybe Satan has looked upon the church and has said, "I think that I'll take a vacation. They have alot of this covered."

Lesson of the day: Everyone should not have to think like you. You don't have all the answers.

I have been inspired to inspire

I read a quote today that hit me hard, and enabled me to look back on the year’s hardships in a positive light. Myra Shelley writes in her book, “The Leadership Secrets of Billy Graham” That the Bible tells us that everyone alive is born into sorrow, as the sparks fly upward. Everyone experiences personal tragedies and inevitable grief, but leaders bear all these things along with the weight of knowing how much their decisions, attitudes, and actions affect others.”

I lost my son Elijah this year. It was the most devastating, stressful, faith-bending event I have gone through to date. This event happened on top of an already stressful year of medical challenges with my other son Isaac. Many people told me, “I don’t know how you are handling this, I would be falling apart by now.” My response was an honest, “I am handling this because I have to.” Simple as that.

When I gave the eulogy at my son’s funeral, I was looking into the faces of people looking for hope and inspiration, because all have pain and hardships, and wanted to know that they could face their situations as well. I could have folded under the pressure and rolled into a little ball, and said “I give up” in front of all those faces, or I could step up and let God strengthen me for the task at hand. The first option would have gotten me pity and sympathy, the other option could have inspired a few hundred people. I could have focused inward, or outward. Leaders focus outward first.

Last week a student took my wife aside and said, “When you first came to this church, I was at the lowest point of my life, I was depressed, and had been cutting myself. Watching the two of you trying so hard to be strong for everyone while going through the loss of your son was such an example and an inspiration to me. After seeing that I made a real commitment to God, and my life has turned around. Your faith showed me who God really is.” (paraphrase)

After hearing this, and reading the above comment, that leaders bear the weight of their tragedies and sorrow along with the weight of knowing that people are looking to you for inspiration, I felt a bit better.

Leadership, as I have learned, is a beautiful alchemy of personal pain and tragedy mixed with great character and initiative. Mary also writes later on, “When one believes that one’s actions are not random and meaningless, and even more important, that one’s actions influence eternal realities for longer than what happens in one’s brief life, it humbles and sobers the soul.”

Lesson of the day: Leadership requires a conscious choice to use your hardships to inspire others.

Christians scare me

Have you ever noticed that Christians can be the most prideful people on the planet? Funny, we are the ones who preach humility, deny your self and pick up your cross, be humble before God and all.

But when it comes to our interactions with the un-churched, we well up with the "I'm so right about everything" pride. Everything you do is wrong, everything you listen to or watch or drink or eat is wrong. Clean yourself and come to God. That seems to be the attitude of many Christians. Sounds familiar, from the New Testament, no not Jesus. Try the Pharisees. We all know how successful they were. Its not a very effective tool for evangelism.

Why do we get so offended when a sinner sins? What do you expect! They are called sinners for a reason. Jesus said that we would be a people that did not offend easy. We hear about a couple living together out of wedlock and we get so offended, or a teenager using drugs or sexually active. Are these actions wrong? Yep. What should we do about it? Love and speak God's truth to them. Forget getting offended all the time, it does no good to you, or to them.

What will do a load of good is to look past the sin, to the person hurting and filling their life with something to fill the void, and love them exactly where they are at, for who they are. We are always preaching that God does it. We are God's impersonators here on earth, what they see in us they credit to God, good or bad.

Lesson of the day: Love speaks louder than piety